So it turns out I have no spark as well as no fuel. That pretty much only leaves the pickup coil as the cause of this, which makes no sense since it's brand spankin new. I tested the voltage output of the pickup coil while my friend cranked the engine and it was only producing about 2 tenths of a volt, although when I pulled the dizzy and tested it again with a hand drill it was producing 5 volts. I do have an O scope at work, maybe I should hook it up and make sure it's putting out the proper signal...??
The distributor itself seems fine; there's no play in the shaft, it turns freely, doesn't bind, and I don't believe that the stator hits the pole piece anywhere (although the magnets do come VERY close to touching one part of the pole piece...). Or maybe I should just pull a dizzy at a junk yard and swap it in? I really don't want to throw parts at this, but the distributor is really the last thing it could be.